Chief Professional Conduct and Culture (CPCC) Presents: Navigating Difficult Conversations in Workplace Conflict Resolution
Video / October 24, 2023
Transcript
(GLG) Kwe, bonjour and hello. I’m Gilbert Le Gras, Special Advisor to the Chief of Professional Conduct and Culture.
I would like to acknowledge that we are recording this conversation on the unceded territory of the Algonquin Anishinaabe People.
The Chief of Professional Conduct and Culture consulted more than fifteen thousand defence team members and heard a lot of questions about how to have difficult conversations with subordinates. So, we turn to the experts for some ideas on how to navigate this space. Melanie Michaud is the associate Ombuds and director of the Informal Conflict Management System of the Department of Justice. She was elected champion of the Federal Informal Conflict Management System in December 2020.
Melanie has extensive experience in the conflict management field, particularly with coaching individuals and working with teams on group dynamics. Genevieve Lord is the Director General of Conflict Solutions and Services in the Chief of Professional Conduct and Culture team. Programs under her leadership include the delivery of conflict solution services through Conflict and Complaint Management Service Centres located across Canada.
Programs under Genevieve’s leadership at the CPCC’s Conflict Solutions and Services Director General include the delivery of conflict solutions and services across Canada through the Conflict and Complaint Management Services Centres, Canadian Forces Grievance Authority, harassment prevention and resolution programs, CAF human rights complaints, and several leadership support programs, such as the Defence Team Coaching Program, restorative services, and the leadership support team.
I once read that a problem avoided is a crisis invited, which brings me to the heart of our discussion today. How do you have a difficult conversation in today’s increasingly diverse workplace?
Nearly one in four Canadians was born outside Canada.
That’s 23% of people in Canada who were born outside of Canada. The federal government, which tries to set the example as the country’s biggest employer, has apologized for past harms to, and is trying to make itself a more welcoming place for, members of the 2SLGTBQIA+ communities and for employees who are Black, Indigenous, and people of colour.
That’s a lot of diversity and having hired and supervised employees, I can understand that sometimes it’s not easy to handle with certain subjects and deal with all that.
Genevieve and Melanie have offered to talk to us about the stages of difficult conversations. First, how to disarm resistance by creating a safe space to talk. Then, how to allow for emotions without necessarily condoning the attitudes or behaviours that are at issue. Also, how to be appropriately assertive. And finally, how to best conclude the conversation. I suppose avoidance must be one of the most common forms of resistance. Melanie, tell us about your experiences and advice here.
(MM) I would agree with you, Gilbert. Avoidance is definitely a very common form that we see, a very tempting form as well in how to deal with difficult situations or difficult conversations. However, by avoiding important issues or avoiding important conversations, we often, actually, worsen the situation and help the conflict or the situation in escalating. So, I think when thinking about how to create a safe space, how do we set up a potential difficult conversation, what can help is seeing resistance as a natural part of the process, that it’s common, it’s to be expected. Avoidance is not the only form of resistance. Resistance can show up as silence, as over flooding with facts, as maybe wanting to go to resolution right away, as well, or proposing many different ways of resolving right away. So, all these are forms of resistance. So, being conscious of that resistance can come in different forms. Resistance is rarely meant as personal, to attack you. So, by seeing it as part of the process, you help creating that safe space. Don’t see it as a threat, because that often just reinforces that it might become more difficult to manage. So, by initiating the conversation, trying to separate the person from what is really going on, trying to see resistance as a natural part of it, will definitely help setting it up for success. What are you thinking?
(GL) Yeah, absolutely. I think that’s the basis of having those conversations and ensuring the space and the time to have the conversations, making sure that it’s the right time, that the person is ready to hear the message that you’re also trying to convey, I think, is critical in setting those conversations up for success. I would also offer, I think that the relationship building is super important. Having difficult conversations will be a lot easier, from my experience, if you’ve taken the time to build those relationships with your employees, with the people that you work with. Asking things like, on a personal level, what do they like to do, do they have kids, those types of things that are really relationship building and show interest in the employee as a person. Also, makes those difficult conversations a little bit easier when tensions are running high and there’s a lot of things going on, emotions are running high, If you’ve taken time to build that relationship, I find that those really, those discussions are a little bit easier to have once you’ve taken the time to do that.
(GLG) What you’ve shared is very interesting. People don’t always feel properly equipped to resolve conflicts. Genevieve, how can your team equip the members of the defence team?
(GL) Definitely, Gilbert, it’s a very complicated space. People are often afraid to have those conversations; they don’t really know how to go about it. They’re afraid of the reaction and they’re afraid of emotions. So how can we really see what’s available? My team takes care of service delivery in 16 service centres across Canada. So, it’s the service centres that handle complaints and disputes. You can go to one of the centres and you’ll be greeted by an agent who will take a look at the problem and suggest solutions, such as coaching for difficult conversations, for either managers and employees. How do we talk to our supervisor about difficult situations? We also have conflict management practitioners who will really be able to guide you and maybe act as mediators in a difficult conversation. And then, sometimes it’s just having someone to talk to, to help sort out how we feel and to see figure out what our approach will be. So, the service centres are really there to help the members of the defence team, military and civilian members, really navigate these complex issues.
(GLG) Interesting.
How do you respond respectfully to emotions without giving inappropriate behaviours and attitudes, tacit approval?
(GL) Yeah, that’s a great question. I think the key to that is to address inappropriate behaviours when they happen and not let them fester. I think that in not addressing things you give key messages that it’s okay to act that and that you’re accepting the behaviours that are present. So, addressing them early is really key for me, but also knowing that you can have any discussion with respect and in creating that psychologically safe space to provide that feedback, to have those discussions. And fully understand, a lot of times people are acting out in a certain way and it might have nothing to do with the workplace. It might have to do with their personal life, it might have to do with the fact that they had a fight with their partner. There’s a lot of different things that can affect that, so trying to get to the crux of the issue as quickly as possible but not letting those inappropriate behaviours continue is key, really, to maintaining that healthy workplace.
(GLG) Melanie, how do you gauge how to best calibrate respectful assertiveness in response to the inappropriate behaviour?
(MM) Yes, so, I’d like to talk here a little bit about that, often we mistake assertiveness as a scary thing. We sometimes shy away from saying no to somebody or saying that something is wrong because we feel that we might offend. But it’s really crucial, especially when we think about safe, psychological safe workplaces, that we are able to have those conversations where we can say, what we agreed on, where we can have conversations around what respect means to us, because being emotional is okay but not all behaviours attached to our emotions are okay in the workplace. So, it’s important to be able to have those conversations, that’s where assertiveness comes in, certainly, as a tool. Assertiveness does not have to be strict, does not have to be strong. Assertiveness can be very respectful and by being able to be respectfully assertive, we actually create stronger relationship, respectful relationship in the workplace. It’s definitely part of it. Because, by always just accommodating, we are not creating a strong, professional working relationship. We have to be able to accept each other’s differences, emotions, how we work through issues, and the only way to do that respectfully is when we are able to talk about boundaries with each other as well.
(GLG) Yeah, no, I was just going to add, I think Melanie makes a really great point. And I think that an understanding, a lot of conflicts are based in perception. Anyways, that’s my experience. So, understanding the other person’s perception, understanding where they’re coming from and how they viewed a certain circumstance or situation, that may have no relevance to the way that you experienced it or viewed it and that’s based on many different things. Your lived experience, your personal history, how you were raised, all those kinds of things factor into the workplace. So, I think it’s really important that we look at perception and we understand perception, and sometimes just taking the time to understand the other person’s point of view and how they’ve lived a certain circumstance or situation will help us gain a better understanding, but also eliminate issues that may be present or let them grow into something that it didn’t need to be.
(GLG) How would you recommend that people end this type of conversation? Because it can be a bit awkward, inconvenient, but I imagine that in the end we’re all relieved and just want to leave and get back to work. But are there proper procedures to follow?
(GL) Yes, absolutely. I find that the key is really to ensure understanding. An understanding of what has been discussed, on both sides. So, paraphrase and say: “This is how. . .” You know, “This is what I understood from our meeting today. Did I understand how you saw that correctly?” People want to be understood. They want to be seen and heard. So, I think that it’s really important to summarize the conversation, not just close the door and run. So, to recap, have the conversation and say: “This is what I heard today. Does that reflect how you’re feeling? Does this reflect your perception of things?” Actually ending the conversation like that will ensure that people feel. . . will increase the chances that people feel seen and heard. And I think that yes, it’s still a good practice. And maybe even if you don’t feel comfortable at that time because your emotions may be running a bit high or you know that people are uncomfortable, it’s okay to do a little summary by email. Say, you know: “Thank you. We spoke to each other today. This is what I understood from our conversation. Is that how you saw it?” Either way, I think it’s appropriate. Melanie, I don’t know if you had some thing else to add?
(MM) Yes, absolutely. I couldn’t agree more.
And it’s also okay, if for whatever reason a conversation is not going well, if emotions are high, because you know, there can be very difficult issues. You don’t need to force the conversation either. Maybe it’s not the right moment, maybe the person is having a really bad day, maybe you were having a really bad day, right? So, try to end it then on a positive note, just acknowledge the emotions in room. Just say, this is not really going well for both of us, maybe we convene another day. You know and leave it at that. It doesn’t need to be resolved all at once, and then you can schedule a follow-up as well. But I think that’s really important, not trying to force it. And every conversation is so different and situational, right? So, there is never a one fix all. So, stay adaptable, stay flexible, and I think what’s key to a difficult conversation is always like, prepare. Know yourself, know your triggers, think about it beforehand.
(GLG) Well, thank you, Melanie and Genevieve. I feel that we’ve touched a lot of wsave top s on what’s a very deep subject and your insights as subject matter experts are really valuable for the Defence team and really, frankly, anyone who wants to improve their relationships with other people that they interact with in the workplace or at home or anywhere. I was just wondering if there are any materials that you might recommend to anyone who’s interested in developing their skills further beyond what they’ve learned listening to you at this time?
(MM) There is a great website that I would recommend. So, if you google “Crucial Skills”, you can subscribe to the newsletter. It’s the same people who wrote Difficult Conversations. They give really good tips and tricks and skills in how to handle all kind of potentially difficult conversations.
(GLG) Great, Thank you. Genevieve.
(GL) Again, I would refer people for one-on-one help to the Complaints and Conflict Management Services Centres across Canada. What I would recommend from reading material would be, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, and the authors for that book are Stone, Patton, and Heen. And then there’s also two, kind of . . . incontournables . . . if we want to call them, books. Getting Past No and Getting to Yes, by Fisher and Ury, that I would really recommend to really create some of that baseline knowledge around how to have very difficult conversations for sure.
(GLG) We hope that this discussion has given you a few practical ideas that you can use at work to make it a healthier place.
For members of the defence team, remember that Conflict Solutions and Services has 16 Conflict and Complaints Management Services Centres across Canada. Thank you, merci, miigwech.
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